Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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