i can't believe i had my finger in that
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Send help, water and tortillas.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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