How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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