i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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