Send those Picts to my email please. From last night
Ps thx for the porn on my phone
;) ur welcome
Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
