i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
