She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
