I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
