1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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