i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
Barsexuality is the new black.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
