I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
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i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
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I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?