We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.