halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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