i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
