does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
