What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
Randomize
