I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
