drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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