Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
FUCK WHALES
Randomize
