my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
