this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
