I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
