i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
