I am full of burrito and curiosity
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
