I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
