the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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