you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
My dad just said "fuck circus"
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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