why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
