Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
