my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
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