Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
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why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
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Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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