I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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