fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
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