I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Randomize
