i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
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