I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
Randomize
