I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I think I may have walked up to her while she was with her friends and asked for a "do over".
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
