College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm just saying. If this how my magic vagina shows it's magic then I don't want any
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
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