just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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