She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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