my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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