Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
