Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
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