it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
