her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
not ubering you a puppy
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
