All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
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Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
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you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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