in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
