worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
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oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
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nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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