I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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