..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
I totally got off with my controler for my ps3. Soooo glad I ended up with that racing game for Christmas.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Randomize
