I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
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