i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
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Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
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I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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