I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
