Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
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