oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
