She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Alive.
So much puke
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
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