Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
