Old men and throwing up are my life now.
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
