I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
