My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
If I die, sorry about rent.
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
