You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
you will always have a special place in my vag
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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