now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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