My hand turned me down
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
