You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
