i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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