Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Randomize
